The other day, on my way to work, I saw a familiar symbol which triggered a minor panic attack. I say minor because of the hyper-awareness of everything that was happening in my body in reaction to seeing this once-familiar symbol which had not crossed my mind in longer than I realized: the heavy breathing, the rapid heartbeat, the racing thoughts, even the shaky eyesight.
My instinct was to do something I do not normally do in the midst of a moment of heightened anxiety – I reached out for support as I focused on pacing my breath. My friend whom I reached out to and I had an exchange that was more helpful than I even expected as she asked about why I might have been triggered in such a way and sought to understand where I was.
The last On Healing blog post was about being in the moment even if it is uncomfortable. By seeking support, I practiced vulnerability and therefore had more ability to be honest and explore what was going on. By choosing empathy, my friend helped me to be in the space to process and for that processing to evolve.
The triggering symbol represented a very unique time of my life where a lot happened – that was vague, I know.
The point is that it brought me back to that time and place, which brought with it, a series of flashbacks of things said to/about me that must have effected me on a subconscious level but previously went unacknowledged. Words have the power to sting and the folly of memories is that my mind can sometimes attribute them to whatever narrative seems applicable.
This happenstance triggered something I have been wrestling with, particularly in these past few weeks, is the concept of belonging.
Do I belong here? Where do I belong?
The symbol itself is not the important part, the important part is the significance it held as it resembled a time and place that, no matter how much I loved and was willing, I would never truly belong. From a young age, these, and questions like these have crossed my mind and heart in the context of the following, and many places in between:
Being a First Generation Asian American – Do I belong here? No one looks like me. Where do I belong? I am not Filipina enough, Vietnamese enough, Chinese enough, or American enough.
Being a Brown Skinned Filipina – Where do I belong? I am constantly told I am too dark.
Depression – Do I belong here? I don’t belong here, on this Earth.
Anxiety – Where do I belong? Need safety now.
Passion/Creativity – Where do I belong? I need to live a life that allows me to express, create, and proclaim the things that are on my heart.
On (Previously) Living in the Most Expensive City in America – Do I belong here? I work and work but there does not seem to be space for me here – physically, emotionally, spiritually.
In order to be productive, this question about belonging must give way to an answer that involves or creates space, and cherishes life.
What I learned from that panic attack the other day is that making, keeping, and holding space is of high importance and intrinsically connected with my purpose. Being able to articulate, actualize, and uphold this space is my intention for Give Me Cashmere.
So what even is this blog post about? I know, I talked about a number of things already and I am not even done yet.
A meditation:
Inhale
Hold
“You belong”
Exhale
Repeat
We need to make space, and/or reclaim space for ourselves in life. For some of us, our space was violated or taken away from us. For some of us, the space we are allowed to exist is one that declares Freedom, but actualizes in oppression.
Remember this: You belong.
Something as simple as a reminder of your inherent belonging can go a long way.
As I explore a life of healing, I have spent time organizing and finding my way around my mind palace. The other day, my husband spoke this beautiful thing into my life, and that has to do with creating and existing in open spaces in my mind as well as the mind palaces. Open spaces – like fields of wildflowers, forests of Redwoods, and seas of blue stretching as far and wide as the eye can see. Being able to practice manifesting this space in my mind continues to be extremely instrumental in allowing myself to have a space in which I inherently belong, thus freeing me up to exist in the present.
All of this goes to say, having a place to exist IS a basic human need, of which not all have access to.
An understanding of one’s belonging is key to being safe and secure.
If you need a sign, here is one by Bahamian artist Tavares Strachan
Friends, remind yourself of this:
You belong.
givemecashmere 